Let me set the scene:
It was Friday, 'payday' Friday to be precise. I was in town and feeling like my underwear drawer could do with a touch of something scarlet-y and silky.....enter Miss Ann Summers.
Sure enough, there was plenty of silky, lovely things for the taking, but I quickly got distracted by...shall we say, 'props'. There was the usual suspects: the furry cuffs, the whips, the penis-shaped pasta and what have you. Then I happened upon a section devoted to Cosmopolitian products and started playing with what can only be described as a giant shiny pebble. I quickly discovered it was a massager for every nook and cranny of the female and male form; a classy pebble-shaped vibrator; a bit of an all-rounder really.
All you had to do was push down the top part and off it went, vibrating like there was no tomorrow. Push again and you have the slow-mo vibrate. Give it another push and you have the rythimic pulse. There was about 12 different modes in all, such fun! Once I'd got bored and drained most of the batteries, I decided that I had enough of said 'shiny vibrating pebble' and searched for the off button...which was nowhere to be found by the way. It was a shiny vibrating pebble - where the heck does the 'off' button go??! Blind panic set in and I tried to look casual as a fumbled around with it some more. "Christ!" I thought, "I only came in for some knickers". I couldn't just shove it back on the shelf otherwise it would make that horrible sound your mobile makes when it vibrates on the bench in the middle of a lecture at university, except the pebble was on the 'steady thrust' mode at the time, and that just wouldn't do.
"Er, can I help you with anything?" was the sweet, sweet sound of rescue. Concerned shop assistant must have spotted my pathetic self looking less than casual at the new Cosmopolitian promotional stand. And said concerned shop assistant was a dude who looked like he had a crazy love affair with his GHDs.
"oh yah..er..i can't seem to get this thing to stop...its going a bit crazy on me. Heh heh...(*awkward laugh*)". I handed it to him and he held the top of the pebble down for a few secs and that was it. that was it reader!! All I had to do was stop madly flicking between the modes and hold the bloody thing down for 5 secs. Of cooooourse. I quickly hot-footed it out of the shop, my silky, scarlet-y vision in tatters.
I should have just went for the pasta, at least the packet comes with instructions.